Members of the Portuguese Supreme Court are Determined Via Hot dog Eating Contest

Which explains why it has more 94 pound Asian women on the bench than any other county in Europe.

Germans can get pregnant from the sound of David Hasslehoff's voice

Any yet they just can't resist his dulcet tones. Which must be why one in three German women are impregnated by him at any given time.

Islamic Fundamentalists Really Can't Believe It's Not Butter

Three Embassies have been torched and many, many lives lost in arguments related to the matter

Aborigines Believe Photographs Steal Your Wallet

To be fair, it does sound like something white people would do

Belgians Evolved From Crabs, Not Apes

Which explains their incessant scuttling

New Yorkers Lack The Ability To Recognize Faces

Instead they have developed a complex vocabulary of profanity, with each member of society issuing their own unique scatological song upon meeting another of their species

In Albania All Judges Have Been Replaced With Magic 8-Balls

Hey, it's still better then Texas

The Chief Export of Turkey Is the Filling They Use in Hot Pockets

They toil night and day to mine it from deep within the earth's crust, at the cost of many, many Turkish lives each year

Maori Tribesmen Have an Innate Sense of Insurance Law

In their culture you aren't considered a man until you've finished your first 42-H claimant redundancy projection

Australians Get High By Smoking Skittles

Dude, taste the rainbow

Black People Can Extinguish A Fire Just by Dissing It

During the great Chicago fire of 1871, it took nearly 100 men implying the inferno's mother was promiscuous to smother the blaze

The French Feed Their Children Like Baby Birds

You haven't lived until you've had a second hand croissant

The Russian National Anthem is Actually Plagiarized Star Trek Fan Fiction

But to be fair, it is quite moving

Gay People Poop Marshmallows

Which explains why they are always so damn festive

In Canada, The Men Have the Babies

Which makes it the only country where it's customary for a baby shower to include a stripper

White People Secretly Know How to Breathe Underwater

But they won't teach anyone else

Indians Lose Their Nipples Every Full Moon

But on the bright side, when they reappear they smell exactly like fresh baked sugar cookies

Southern Baptists Deny the Existence of Nocturnal Animals

Leviticus 22:15 - If you see an animal out at night it means you must have woken it up your- damn-self. I am the Lord

All Midgets are Born Able to Moonwalk

But it takes years to teach them to walk forward

Native Americans Think Clowns Cause Cancer

That's in addition to the soul crushing nightmares the rest of us have learned to accept

Jews Don't Poop

Frankly, we don't want to know how it all works

Middle Eastern Men Are Compelled to Bury Every Pine Cone They See

Of course after WWIII, when they become our new money, the rest of us will regret just letting 'em all go to waste

Jesuits Are Terrified of the Moon

While every normal person has a deep primal urge to destroy the moon, only the Jesuits realize the feeling is mutual.

Left Handed People Can Get Drunk From Drinking Candle Wax

Their brains is all fucked up

Everyday, at Exactly Noon, Every Single Polynesian Goes Cross-Eyed

That's why they are better known as "Natures Timepieces"

The Irish Can't See Hypercolors

The early 90's were rough for 'em.

The Amish Secretly Blame the Spread of Electricity on Black People

It seems so obvious in hindsight.

Eskimos Never Invented Sitting

That's why you never see chairs in an igloo.

Latinos Can't Lose the Remote Control

You know how birds can always sense magnetic north? It's something like that.

Lightning Bugs Won't Light Up Near a Catholic

That's why the pope hates 'em.

Asian Men are Irresistible to Squirrels

It has something to do with pheromones.